Part 2…

I knew that if I told my ex I was planning on moving to Logan he would try to stop me. I called him the night I was packing up my room and planning on driving up. I was an emotional wreck the entire time I was packing. I finally gathered the strength to call the man I loved to tell him I was moving to Logan and choosing adoption and when I did he was in Salt Lake partying with his friends. He said he would see me tomorrow. Little did he know he wouldn't.... It seemed like a tender mercy at the time because I doubted having the strength to follow through. But at the same time him being in Salt Lake with his friends, who were not good influences on him, at some party doing who knows what gave me a little more strength knowing I was doing what was best for all of us. I then remembered things were not changing and that I wouldn't let this life style effect my perfect little angel that would be here in a matter of four months.

Getting to the car was a blur, my next memory was driving past Lagoon area and talking to my sister Sonja on the phone and explaining to her what happened. She had no idea what was going on. She didn't know I was pregnant, she didn't know I was moving. To say the least it was a very emotional conversation, but putting all emotions aside she was very supportive and understanding. She knew that there was no other way to get out of the situation than literally taking myself out of the area.

Before I knew it I had cried my way to Logan and I arrived at Helga and Bryan's apartment. My heart was shattered, breathing seemed difficult, I didn't know what to think or do. I felt broken in every sense of the word. And the worst part wasn't even over yet.. I still had to tell the man I loved that I couldn't keep fighting that I couldn't hold on any longer. I didn't get any sleep that night, I second guessed what I was doing, it was hard and I didn't want to. I wanted to take the easy way out but lets be honest, there wasn't one. Once you are in a situation like the one I was in, easy was not a word that applied to anything. I felt weak, I felt vulnerable, I felt like the biggest jerk to man kind. I knew I was hurting him and that alone killed me. I was afraid of causing any pain to him because I loved him and it killed me to see him cry. When he called me the next morning, my heart stopped I started bawling and saying hello seemed close to impossible. The second I answered the phone he knew something was wrong. We both bawled for what seemed like hours and yet felt like it was over in seconds. Hanging up the phone was more difficult than answering. He was heart broken and so was I.  It was such a hard situation where I knew I was doing what the Lord wanted, but trusting Him was the hardest thing to do in that moment. Experiencing that pain together was so hard, all I wanted to do was get back in the car and drive to where he was, hold him and cry with him. I didn't want to go through this alone. But I made a promise to myself and the Lord that I would do His will and what was best for my little girl. And I knew that meant hurting both me and him. But she was worth it, and still is.

Pictures from my last visit with Lillian and her sweet family!

I've had several people ask me if visiting the child I placed is harder than it's worth. I instantly answer, no!

That doesn't mean it isn't hard, but it is worth it. 

It can be difficult, but I don't think placing a child for adoption is ever easy. It's something that will always be hard in one way or another but its 100% worth it. It's not a situation that gets easier with time, it's a situation that helps you become stronger. As you gain knowledge of Gods plan for you and the child, it becomes more clear, and with that understanding you're able to gain a relationship. A relationship that is so beautiful and pure you couldn't imagine your life without it. Yes it's a process, but you need to give it time. 

Seeing her bright smiling face and strengthening the relationship I have with her brings so much pure joy into my life that I wouldn't trade for the world. 

 I love little Josie's curls! :) 

She's beautiful!

I got her this cute backpack in Mexico

Dr. Lillian 

She would tell us: "you have an infection, you need medicine" 

I love these girls so much! 

A big thanks to Holly and Dave for always welcoming me into their house and for our incredible friendship! I love you guys more than words can express! xoxo 

Happy Birth Mothers Day

This weekend is a very special weekend where we celebrate our amazing mothers. We reflect on our memories with them and feel an over powering feeling of love and gratitude for what they have done for us.

Today I am happy to celebrate being a Birth Mom to the most precious little girl in the entire world! I couldn't be more grateful for the special role we play in each others lives and for her sweet parents inviting me to be such a big part of their lives. Being a Birth Mom is anything but easy, but it is worth it. It's a beautiful title that I cherish with my entire heart! 

I hope that all of my fellow Birth Moms feel love and cherished on this special day! xoxo 

Happy Birthday Lillian! :)

This cute little lady is 3 years old today!

I can't believe its already been three years since her sweet spirit entered into this world. At times it feels like it was just yesterday and yet it feels like I can't recall a time that she wasn't in my life. She has truly blessed and touched my life in ways that can not be expressed. 

Monday's Visit :)

A picture is worth a thousand words right, well here's 12 pictures for you! 

 

That smile of hers :)  

 Theres nothing I love more than watching her play with her mom and dad! :) 

Always so happy! 

 Showin off her big muscles 

I live for that smile! 

Thanks Holly for capturing these tender moments! :) 

Her kisses are my favorite! 

Kisses through the rubber band

 I love you Lillian! xoxo 

I consider myself the luckiest Birth Mom EVER!

  And here's 4 reasons why.. 

 Meet Dave, Holly, Lillian and Josie. 

     I met Holly and Dave exactly one week before little Lillian arrived, not for lack of searching. Simply said, fate brought us together just in time. I knew from the second I met them that I had just met Lillian's parents. I can't explain the feeling but it was so strong and so powerful that there was no denying it. I cherish that confirmation and have reflected on it several times throughout the years. Holly and I instantly became friends and I know without her I couldn't have made it through the rough times.  She is one of the most amazing women I know. 

      Little Josie came as a surprise and honestly a miracle. They had a long complicated road on their journey to have children and just a month or so after I placed Lillian with them they found out they were pregnant.  Lillian and Josie are the best of friends and theres nothing I love more than seeing them continue to grow closer and closer. 

I look forward to sharing more of our story with you soon! :) 

Photo Credit: Peg Watkins Photography 

Stay tuned, I get to see them tonight and will post a few pictures either tonight or tomorrow. :) 

Introducing Lillian!

Before I share part two of my story, over the next couple of days I want to introduce a few people you should know.

First, and most important, is little miss Lillian! (aka, owner of my heart) 

Words can not begin to express how much I love this little lady. There's not a person in the world that makes me as happy as she does. Needless to say, she had me at hello! :) 

From day one, I knew that I would dedicate my life to making her happy; which doesn't take much effort because she always carries a beautiful smile, everywhere she goes.  

I will never forget the immediate love I felt during pregnancy, and how that love was dramatically increased the first time she was placed into my arms and it continues to grow every time she returns. It's hard to explain the connection I feel with her; however, it is one that I cherish with all my heart. 

Photo Credit: Peg Watkins Photography 

Isn't she stunning! (I'm not bias or anything) :)

Part 1

I was just a few weeks shy of turning 20 when I found out I was pregnant. You can imagine the emotions I was feeling. It felt as though I was in a dream and that soon I would wake up and go back to life as I knew it. I waited but it never happened. I remember finding out about the pregnancy late one night and after that the night seemed like a blur. I was overcome with my emotions. I remember calling my mom the next morning. She knew by the sound of my voice that she needed to rush home. Telling my mom was hard, but because of our relationship it was much harder to keep it from her. She held me in her arms for what seemed like hours as I wept. A few days later I called my sister Helga who was living in Logan at the time; I told her my news over the phone. We have always been extremely close and I knew that she would know what to do.

Abortion was NEVER an option and never even crossed my mind. Where to go from here was a decision I wasn't ready to make. I felt way too emotional to be able to make such a huge decision. Helga along with my mom and bishop reminded me that it was my decision to make. They were all very supportive and kept reassuring me that they would stand behind me with whatever I choose.

 Naturally when you are dating someone and you find yourself pregnant you consider marriage as an option. Due to the relationship we had, I didn't consider it for very long. I knew that I was either going to raise this child by myself or place her for adoption. Due to my parents getting a divorce shortly after my first birthday, I grew up in a single parent home where my mom had two, sometimes three jobs, to support me and my 4 siblings. I saw my dad every other weekend and one night during the week. I was the youngest of my siblings and often remember missing my mom. I became very close to my grandma. She was like a second mother to me. I love and respect my mom with my whole heart for all the sleepless nights she endure while working to provide for us. She's the most amazing person I know. But I also knew I didn't want that for my baby, I wanted her to have a stay at home mom that could give her the love and attention she deserved. For me being a stay at home mom is important because I didn't have that luxury as a child. I'd like to be there for the small and simple moments that create a childhood. I wanted to fill that role in my baby's life more than anything but I knew that I couldn't at that time. It broke my heart. The thought of adoption scared me more than anything. I didn't feel I was strong enough.

I made the decision to keep it a secret from most of my family and all but a few of my closest friends. I was ashamed that being a good lds girl I had allowed myself to be in this situation. I went from preparing for a mission (as much as you could at age 19, back then) to preparing to have a baby and never being able to serve a mission. My world was changing and I knew I had to make some hard changes with it.

After 5 long long months of continuing to work at a pediatric office, and pushing through many fights with my boyfriend, I decided it was time. As much as I loved this boy, I knew that he was not what God wanted for me, or for my baby. I left for Logan on a Saturday night. I left my job that I loved, my mom, my friends and family, and the comfort of my room, for a life living out of a suitcase in the living room closest and sleeping on the couch. I moved up to logan and in with my sister Helga who was also pregnant at the time (due just a few days after me). I couldn't have been more blessed then to have my best friend guide me through the weird things you experience during pregnancy. They were pregnant with their second child and struggling to get through school. They opened their home and hearts to me without even a question. Simply stated they were an answer to my prayers.

Welcome

Hi my name is Heidi. I have attempted blogging several times in my life. I use to think that I had to have different blogs for the different things I wanted to blog about. For example I had a church blog, a quote blog, a blog about my life and a blog about my experience while I was living in china for a semester. Exhausting right?! No surprise that none of them lasted.
This blog is going to be about my life, and everything that makes up my life. There are going to be two main focuses throughout my blog.

First and most importantly I will be sharing my beliefs. I am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter-Day Saints (commonly known as Mormons). I would be no where without my religion, it truly makes up every aspect of my life and brings me so much happiness.

Secondly, I want to share a very sacred part of my life that I have only shared with a very small amount of people. Words can not express how nervous I am and how exposed I feel writing this post. Even though I have gone through dramatic measures to keep this part of my life secret for so long, I can honestly say that I am now ready to share it with you.
Three years ago in April I placed a beautiful little angel for adoption with an incredible family here in Utah. I could go on for hours telling you about how much I love and adore her and her sweet family but I'm going to leave you hanging for a little bit and break the story into parts. (Part 1 coming very soon) :) I will tell you this, that the adoption is very open and I absolutely cherish every moment I get to spend time them. They have instantly become family and I couldn't love them more!  I hope that you can be understanding, excepting and supportive as I open up and share my story. :)

I am a Mormon and I am a Birth Mom!