Thursday, February 27, 2014

Part 1

I was just a few weeks shy of turning 20 when I found out I was pregnant. You can imagine the emotions I was feeling. It felt as though I was in a dream and that soon I would wake up and go back to life as I knew it. I waited but it never happened. I remember finding out about the pregnancy late one night and after that the night seemed like a blur. I was overcome with my emotions. I remember calling my mom the next morning. She knew by the sound of my voice that she needed to rush home. Telling my mom was hard, but because of our relationship it was much harder to keep it from her. She held me in her arms for what seemed like hours as I wept. A few days later I called my sister Helga who was living in Logan at the time; I told her my news over the phone. We have always been extremely close and I knew that she would know what to do.

Abortion was NEVER an option and never even crossed my mind. Where to go from here was a decision I wasn't ready to make. I felt way too emotional to be able to make such a huge decision. Helga along with my mom and bishop reminded me that it was my decision to make. They were all very supportive and kept reassuring me that they would stand behind me with whatever I choose.

 Naturally when you are dating someone and you find yourself pregnant you consider marriage as an option. Due to the relationship we had, I didn't consider it for very long. I knew that I was either going to raise this child by myself or place her for adoption. Due to my parents getting a divorce shortly after my first birthday, I grew up in a single parent home where my mom had two, sometimes three jobs, to support me and my 4 siblings. I saw my dad every other weekend and one night during the week. I was the youngest of my siblings and often remember missing my mom. I became very close to my grandma. She was like a second mother to me. I love and respect my mom with my whole heart for all the sleepless nights she endure while working to provide for us. She's the most amazing person I know. But I also knew I didn't want that for my baby, I wanted her to have a stay at home mom that could give her the love and attention she deserved. For me being a stay at home mom is important because I didn't have that luxury as a child. I'd like to be there for the small and simple moments that create a childhood. I wanted to fill that role in my baby's life more than anything but I knew that I couldn't at that time. It broke my heart. The thought of adoption scared me more than anything. I didn't feel I was strong enough.

I made the decision to keep it a secret from most of my family and all but a few of my closest friends. I was ashamed that being a good lds girl I had allowed myself to be in this situation. I went from preparing for a mission (as much as you could at age 19, back then) to preparing to have a baby and never being able to serve a mission. My world was changing and I knew I had to make some hard changes with it.

After 5 long long months of continuing to work at a pediatric office, and pushing through many fights with my boyfriend, I decided it was time. As much as I loved this boy, I knew that he was not what God wanted for me, or for my baby. I left for Logan on a Saturday night. I left my job that I loved, my mom, my friends and family, and the comfort of my room, for a life living out of a suitcase in the living room closest and sleeping on the couch. I moved up to logan and in with my sister Helga who was also pregnant at the time (due just a few days after me). I couldn't have been more blessed then to have my best friend guide me through the weird things you experience during pregnancy. They were pregnant with their second child and struggling to get through school. They opened their home and hearts to me without even a question. Simply stated they were an answer to my prayers.