Friday, October 17, 2014

Part 2…

I knew that if I told my ex I was planning on moving to Logan he would try to stop me. I called him the night I was packing up my room and planning on driving up. I was an emotional wreck the entire time I was packing. I finally gathered the strength to call the man I loved to tell him I was moving to Logan and choosing adoption and when I did he was in Salt Lake partying with his friends. He said he would see me tomorrow. Little did he know he wouldn't.... It seemed like a tender mercy at the time because I doubted having the strength to follow through. But at the same time him being in Salt Lake with his friends, who were not good influences on him, at some party doing who knows what gave me a little more strength knowing I was doing what was best for all of us. I then remembered things were not changing and that I wouldn't let this life style effect my perfect little angel that would be here in a matter of four months.

Getting to the car was a blur, my next memory was driving past Lagoon area and talking to my sister Sonja on the phone and explaining to her what happened. She had no idea what was going on. She didn't know I was pregnant, she didn't know I was moving. To say the least it was a very emotional conversation, but putting all emotions aside she was very supportive and understanding. She knew that there was no other way to get out of the situation than literally taking myself out of the area.

Before I knew it I had cried my way to Logan and I arrived at Helga and Bryan's apartment. My heart was shattered, breathing seemed difficult, I didn't know what to think or do. I felt broken in every sense of the word. And the worst part wasn't even over yet.. I still had to tell the man I loved that I couldn't keep fighting that I couldn't hold on any longer. I didn't get any sleep that night, I second guessed what I was doing, it was hard and I didn't want to. I wanted to take the easy way out but lets be honest, there wasn't one. Once you are in a situation like the one I was in, easy was not a word that applied to anything. I felt weak, I felt vulnerable, I felt like the biggest jerk to man kind. I knew I was hurting him and that alone killed me. I was afraid of causing any pain to him because I loved him and it killed me to see him cry. When he called me the next morning, my heart stopped I started bawling and saying hello seemed close to impossible. The second I answered the phone he knew something was wrong. We both bawled for what seemed like hours and yet felt like it was over in seconds. Hanging up the phone was more difficult than answering. He was heart broken and so was I.  It was such a hard situation where I knew I was doing what the Lord wanted, but trusting Him was the hardest thing to do in that moment. Experiencing that pain together was so hard, all I wanted to do was get back in the car and drive to where he was, hold him and cry with him. I didn't want to go through this alone. But I made a promise to myself and the Lord that I would do His will and what was best for my little girl. And I knew that meant hurting both me and him. But she was worth it, and still is.