Friday, July 29, 2016

A quote that put me to tears!

How many of you have heard of Al Carraway (AKA: Al Fox)? If you haven't I encourage you to check her out! She will bless your life and bring so much light into it.

I've had the opportunity to meet Al a couple of times and each time I was blown away by the spirit she carries. I adore her personality, her dedication to God and her kindness. I've followed her on facebook, Instagram and her blog for the last few years. I love seeing her posts pop up on my news feed because they always make me want to be better, be happier and do more! She knows exactly how to word things to touch people! She speaks with power and is very real!

Why am I telling you this? Well I was gifted her book for Christmas this last year and I'm finally finding time to read it. I've stayed up the last couple of nights for hours reading because I haven't wanted to put it down. I'm in LOVE! I want to share with you a quote I just read that put me to tears.

"Life is what we do, not what we say we'll do or what we wait around for. God can't help and bless us if we are not moving and if we are not trying. This is a gospel of action, of doing, sharing, growing, and overcoming. It's all about becoming better, more like our Savior. It's about trusting His ways and doing things you never thought you could. As we increase our efforts and just try, we will better understand and personally see how loving and powerful Heavenly Father truly is. We will be able to see our potential and be surprised where we end up in life, receiving and enjoying in abundance the greatest things in life. God does care. Do not get discouraged. It will come, and it will be incredible."

Now why did I share that specific quote with you?

Because I, like many of you have wondered where God's hand was in my life. If you've read any of my previous posts you know that I'm a birthmom. A title I never wanted to carry. I was in a very unhealthy relationship I couldn't get out of on my own. I tried several times. God knew that I could do it for her, for that sweet angel I was now in charge of. And I did. Life didn't get easier after placement. Not even close. In my mind I was going to move to Provo, I'd get involved in the social scene of college, get fit, make a ton of friends, date like crazy, meet the one, fall in love and have my happily ever after. Oh how I was wrong. I had a great experience living in Provo for the many years that I did and I met a lot of wonderful people and had some amazing adventures. But I didn't meet the one. In fact I rarely dated. I tried over and over again  to go on a mission and was told over and over again no. My two biggest desires weren't going anywhere and that was incredibly difficult to swallow. I was doing everything I was suppose to and more. I basically lived at the temple because that was the one place I could find peace. I spent countless hours in and in front of Provo temple bawling, pleading for these two righteous desires. I never understood why the answer was no, not now Heidi. I would cry it out in front of the temple and then moved forward. Making the most of my life in the best way I knew how. Then when I least expected it I met Jeff. If any of you have met my sweet husband you know how great he is. He was my rainbow after a heck of a lot of rainy days. As I read quotes like the one I shared with you above I just bawl. God does KNOW you! He is aware of you! I promise you that! It may not feel that way now, and it may not feel that for years down the road. But it's true! He wants your happiness more than you do. Just have to hold on a little longer, keep moving forward! He's waiting to bless you. If you try, if you move forward in faith, blessings will come!

Monday, May 9, 2016

5 years ago..

Photo Credit: Peg Watkins  

Lillian turned 5 years old 3 weeks ago from today. (April 18th 2011) Due to Facebook reminders I was able to walk down memory lane in detail this year. I thought it would be fun to kind of walk you through those memories and share some details of my adoption journey that haven't been shared yet.

Monday:  4-11-11
I met Holly and Dave. We met at a cute little Mexican restaurant in Logan. I was so nervous that I made my sister Helga come along with me. I still remember that day so perfectly. The first time I saw Holly and Dave was from afar. Helga and I had just got done saying a prayer and they pulled up next to the car that was parked next to us. We let them walk in so I could catch my breath. For anyone who has ever been pregnant you can only imagine the emotions running through me at this time. Not only could Lillian be born any moment and I still hadn't found her family but I was pregnant... Need I say more. Hormones galore! I took a few deep breaths and we walked in. I always laughed going anywhere with Helga because we were due days apart. So when I dragged her along to meet couples it was like a game (guess who's Heidi). Haha Anyways, the dinner went perfect! The spirit was so strong and the connection was instant! I had FINALLY found her family! So much peace came over me that night. She was ok to come at that point.

Tuesday:  4-12-11
The only way he would go along with my adoption plan is if he could meet the family before hand. Although it was really hard to see him I felt that was fair and I respected his wish. The next morning I contacted the birth father and told him I had a couple I wanted him to meet. I told him I would like to put together a time where we can all go to dinner. He agreed and naturally they did as well.

Wednesday:   4-13-11
I asked Helga if I could use her house to do a surprise for Holly and Dave before dinner. She not only agreed but helped me decorate for a baby shower. I knew that I wouldn't have one for Lillian. That's pretty normal when you choose adoption. But I wanted to be able to throw this little girls first baby shower. I had made several things for her for the last several months. Despite my best efforts I bought her a few things I just couldn't say no to and I also had a few gifts from my mom and the birth father. It was so fun putting all of this stuff together and trying to make this night perfect. I had purchased the book "From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours" By: Michael McLean. I wrote a note to them asking them if they would be the parents to this beautiful little baby I was carrying and I put that in the back of the book. Once they said yes. I told them this baby shower was for them. They opened gifts and then we went to dinner. Dinner went really well and the birth father really liked them and felt more comfortable moving forward.

Holly and I kept in touch daily. I remember talking to her and feeling like I was talking to one of my good friends. I was so excited for her to meet her daughter and to tell her about her movement and how I was feeling. Meanwhile they were speeding through last minute requirements due to their profile being so new. They still had a few things they had to complete before they could take her home.

Sunday:   4-17-11
I didn't sleep super well that night but I woke up and went to church. I remember Helga had stayed home for whatever reason and talking to Bryan (my brother-in-law) and telling him how uncomfortable I was last night. He asked me if I thought I was in labor and I honestly didn't know.. I had no idea what I was watching for. Our church was right next to the hospital and I told him that I was just going to go in and see where I'm at and I'll be to the house in like an hour or so. HA Was I mistaken or what! They brought me to a room checked me told me they were going to observe me for an hour and then check me again. Well apparently I made enough progress that they decided to keep me. I was not prepared for that... I had a plan. I was going to go to my sisters, eat lunch, take a nice nap, play with my niece and then probably hang out and play games with Helga and Bryan once my niece was sleeping. No where in my plans was I having this baby today. Sadly it wasn't up to me. haha I instantly called Helga and was confused why she wasn't rushing over to the hospital. I was having this baby... She needed to be here! Little did I know how long it would take for this lady to make her big arrival. :) I called my mom and told her what was going on. She was about 2 and half hours away and said she would hop in her car and head up. Once she got there I informed the birth father I was in the hospital. We had agreed on him being at the hospital but not in the room during the delivery. And honestly to this day I wouldn't have changed how we did things. As messed up as things were between us he was one of my best friends and having him there helped a lot. I didn't want to share the delivery scene with him because I knew it would be special and I wanted to save that experience for my future husband. Which now after having a baby and having my husband there I'm so glad I did. What a magical moment that is! My mom and my sister were there for me in all stages of my very long labor. I know I wouldn't have been able to do it without their support!

Monday: 4-18-11
Lillian made her arrival at 8:57 am. She weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and was 19 inches tall. She was perfect and I was in love!

Tuesday: 4-19-11
Holly and Dave came up and spent several hours at the hospital. They were so sweet and brought me this beautiful basket full of thoughtful gifts for me. And I will never forget how nervous I was for them to meet their daughter. I wanted so badly for them to instantly connect with her and love her unconditionally. Instead of them running up to her to love on her they both came and gave me the biggest hug and asked how I was feeling and doing. Are they great or what?! I'm tearing up just writing this. That meant the world to me! I wasn't just the lady who had carried their baby for 9 months. They cared! Wow did my love for them grow dramatically at that moment. I excitingly asked them if they wanted to hold their baby girl. I'm so grateful for Helga being there to capture the moment they held her for the first time because they are some of my favorite pictures. They were so thoughtful again to not hold her for very long because they didn't want to take away my time with her. But I was grateful that they stayed to hang out. I loved having my family meet them and see how great they are! They got a hotel so they could be close by for tomorrow's placement.

Wednesday: 4-20-11
Quite possibly the worst and hardest day of my life. I didn't sleep at all that night and neither did Lillian. She wasn't fussy but she was awake. I remember my mom making the comment that she wasn't sleeping because she wanted to spend that last night with me. Side note she was in my hospital bed with me every night regardless of every nurse telling me I couldn't sleep with her on my bed. I had no intentions of sleeping while I was there. I could sleep later. They were not taking her! I woke up and my brother gave me the most peaceful, powerful blessing I've ever received. I bawled like a baby. In fact I think we all did. Shortly after the blessing was paperwork time. The worst part of adoption by far! For those of you that haven't experienced this, they read out loud the paperwork while you sign each section. It is worded very clearly and bluntly and it's just awful. I remember my case worker offering to take Lillian so I could sign better. And quite frankly I wasn't letting anyone take her anytime soon. I needed her in my arms and to have her strength to help me sign those awful papers. After that was done I asked everyone to leave my room. The nurses, the doctors, my family, everyone! I wanted a few hours where it was just Lillian and I. I wanted to be able to talk to her freely and be able to share with her every feeling and fear I had. I repeatedly told her how much I loved her and will always love her. I took pictures, I sang to her. It was the only time I had just her and I and it was perfect! I wouldn't have traded those three hours for anything! One thing that I really liked about placement day is that we didn't do it at the hospital. I left with Holly, Dave and Lillian and drove back to my sisters apartment. I was able to sit in the backseat with Lillian which again was such a simple gesture that meant the world to me. Even though my sister lived pretty close to the hospital we had a really meaningful conversation on the way there. Once we got there we hung out for the next couple of hours. My niece was able to hold Lillian which was such a special moment for me. I remember the later it got the more real it became that Lillian was leaving and I wasn't going this time. My family went upstairs and left us alone to officially do placement. I thought I wanted to die. It was by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. Even though I was so overwhelmed with sadness and emptiness I felt a small glimpse of peace. I knew that what I was doing was right.

Thursday, April 7, 2016


Miss Aria Grace! 

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I'm a mother to this beautiful little lady.

As a birth mother I've experienced pregnancy and delivery before. But I've never experienced motherhood. What I experienced the first few days of Lillian's life is something I can't put into words. In the past I've described it as the only time she was "mine". During that time I was the one who took care of her. I was the one who stayed up with her at night. Who kissed her as often as possible. Constantly reminding her that she is loved unconditionally! I always knew that I was meant to place Lillian for adoption. Meeting Holly and Dave was a very spiritual confirmation. Holly was her mother from that moment on. So even during that time in the hospital where everything was in my hands, I wasn't her mom... As much as I wanted to be, I wasn't.

I became a mother on January 8th 2016.

People tell you that your life will never be the same and yet you have no idea what that means.
  I've been been around babies for what feels like my entire life. I became an aunt when I was 3. I have 13 nieces and nephews and I've been close to all three sisters when their babies were young. I've known how to hold a newborn and change a diaper ever since I can remember. Not saying that I thought I was "ready" to be a mom. (I don't think you ever feel ready)
But I felt prepared. "Well trained" you could say. Boy I was wrong! 

 Motherhood is something you can't really prepare for.

Being a mother comes with so many strong emotions. Emotions you can't really explain. During pregnancy I blamed it on that. Now.... Well, I still blame it on that. :) From the moment I missed my period to the moment I heard my sweet baby girl cry for the first time my emotions were everywhere. 

Although I don't feel like I have figured this whole mom thing out I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Photo Credit: Top two photos were taken by Helga Laing Photography.  Bottom three were taken by me! :) 

Friday, March 25, 2016

I almost lost you!

I know it's been far too long since I've posted last. Today you were on my to-do list. I needed to renew my domain because I kept getting emails telling me my domain was about to expire. Well I called in and they told me that I waited too long and I will now have to pay $80 on top of my renewal fee. Crazy right!?

For a moment I thought about what I was going to do. I can't afford to pay $95 just to renew my blog but I couldn't lose my blog either. This blog holds a special place in my heart. This was the first place I shared my story and I couldn't just let someone else take my domain. SoI decided I would fight for you! :)

I talked to a very nice lady and explained my situation and how I just had a baby and how I haven't been checking my emails as regularly because she takes up all of my time. The lady put me on the hold to see what she could do and after a few minutes she was able to wave the fee.

With going through that experience I've decided to rededicate myself to my blog. I've talked about being consistent for so long. But then I got engaged and started planning a wedding. Then I got pregnant and I had a really tough pregnancy. Where I was sick for the first 23 weeks and dealing with preterm labor pains for the rest of the 40 weeks. Not to mention at the same time I was taking 18 credit hours and working part time. Oh and don't forget I was a new wife who was trying to get her house in order. (just a little on my plate) :)

But after today I realized there's always going to be something. Because I've always told myself I will start a blog or be consistent in my posts when I'm a stay at home mom. Well I have carried that title for the last 2 1/2 months and I will tell you that it has not given me more time. My time is just taken up by other things. So instead of waiting for the perfect time I'm going to make now the perfect time!

Thanks for staying with me and I'm excited to update you on all the things that have changed in my life and share more parts of my adoption story.

Stay tuned :)

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Our Little Secret!

I saw an idea very similar to this on Youtube months ago when we first found out and I decided it was something we could easily accomplish and cherish for a lifetime. :) We hope you enjoy!

Monday, June 15, 2015

So I met this guy... :)

I know it's been ages since I've blogged. Life has taken me for quite the ride the last 8 months or so. I think in the past I've expressed a little bit of my concerns and frustrations with dating since I shared my story a little over a year ago. Well those concerns didn't really go away until I met Jeff... 

Jeff was an unexpected "blind date" that turned my world completely upside down from the first day I "met" him. (in the best way, of course)

Today I would like to share a little bit of our story.  :)

To paint a better picture for all of you here's a little bit of a back story on my life at this point.

Last fall I was working full time, taking a 15 credit hour semester, and working in the temple once a week for roughly 5 hours. Needless to say I had little to no free time. I had just moved out of the apartment complex I had lived at for years. A place where I LOVED my ward, my bishop is still a father figure in my life, I was surrounded by friends that made my social life great. This was the same ward that ended up getting a group of 35 people together and going on a cruise last year. To say the least the decision to move was heart breaking and a hard one to make.

When I posted my interest in finding a new place to live I had one of my cute friends contact me to tell me she was renting a house in Orem and wanted to know if I would be interested in joining. I saw the house and fell in love, it was darling in every way.  An older home that was remodeled in a way to keep the cute antique look. I moved in shortly after and had no clue what it would do to my social life. Automatically when you move from apartments to a house it's harder to have that social scene of constantly hanging out because the convenience is now gone. Not to mention I knew no one in my ward or in my new neighborhood, and to make things better everyone I lived with had a serious boyfriend. Fun right?! :)

So due to all of these new crazy fun changes in my life; long hours at work, crazy load of homework and being in the least social part of Orem. I decided to give Tinder a try.

Throughout my single life I had tried tinder a few times here and there but it never lasted longer than like a week or two max. I would loose all hope in men and in society for that matter. I had a married men contact me and ask me if I was interested in a threesome with him and his wife, and a lot of tactless pick up lines. Are all people on Tinder bad, heavens no! There were a couple of generally good men I met on Tinder and they were the reason I decided to give it one last try.

I met Jeff on Tinder that same day I downloaded the app. It was someday in September roughly before my birthday. (we both wish we could figure out the exact day but haven't been able to) I didn't really think much of it because he was a little older than anyone I had ever dated, he was Asian (which I never really saw myself dating an Asian) and I was pretty sure he wasn't a member of my church. He was a safe friend, that's what I told myself. We talked almost all day every day asking questions back and forth. His idea, but little did he know the question game was something I had used many times in the past. I was impressed and it became a "brownie point" for him. We have this little " disagreement" going on. He says that one of the first times we talked he asked me out but I don't remember that at all. In fact until later on in our relationship when we talked in more detail about this I was completely clueless of what conversation he was referring to. I briefly remember the conversation and yet we to this day remember it differently. :)  He sneakily asked for my number about a week or so into talking. The funny thing is at this point I deleted the app and had re-downloaded it to deactivate my account. A part of me was curious if this cute Asian boy had tried talking to me. I ended up looking before I deactivated it and before I did I saw his message. I gave him my number and deleted my account. We text every day all day for over 2 months. I was talking to this guy more than anyone else in my life and yet I had never met him. I basically had to convince him to ask me out at that point, he says its because he was so scared from me turning him down before. haha whatever.

Our first date was Friday November 14th 2014 right after my first shift at the temple. :)

For more of our story stay tuned... :)

Thursday, December 4, 2014

#‎Day14‬ | Moment Of Courage | 
This was moments before placement happened. I don't think I felt an ounce of courage that day. In fact I don't think I've ever felt so weak, so scared and so unsure of my ability to do something, than I did at that time. But regardless of my fears and doubts I did it. I followed through, I survived, and I'm ok! In fact I'm better for it! Never in my wildest dreams did I think that was possible. I may have not felt courageous but the definition of the word courage means: "the ability to do something that frightens you". Adoption terrified me! After reading that I think courage perfectly defines adoption for both birth parents and adoptive couples. Neither title comes without pain, sorrow and sleepless nights. Adoption is rarely "plan A". It's not a choice that is made easily. Adoption has touched my life in so many ways, one is being surrounded by so many courageous and inspiring people! 

‪#‎Day13‬ | Openness |

The openness of my adoption is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not only do I get to gain a relationship with the sweetest girl in the world! But I get to observe her relationship strengthen with her incredible parents and adorable sister. I wish I had a picture of all of us together but unfortunately I don't. But I couldn't love them more!